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Well, I’ve been waiting a long time to write this column, one that gleefully, unabashedly, and oh-so gratefully celebrates John Kerry’s smashing victory over George “It’s Hard Work” Bush. (Note to editor: If the election was a squeaker, remove “smashing.” On second thought, leave it.)
I had to toss my first draft, which consisted solely of "WE DID IT!" in 100,000-point font, because it made the page completely black; I think I was only looking at part of the “w.” I couldn't be totally sure, though, because it was hard to get any perspective on it.
Speaking of perspective (how I treasure seamless segues), it usually takes a while for it to develop before apprising a president’s time in office. With our just-hatched lame duck, though, I say: why wait? I’m not going to be around in a hundred years, and I’d really prefer to get my licks in here: In a nutshell, George Bush
is
a nutshell, plus
the most incompetent, deceitful, un-American, and, yes, stupid president this country has ever seen. But, of course, you know all of that, so why beat a newly-dead horse?
Because it’s so much damn fun, and because that hard-workin’ man worked so hard to earn it, and because he’s made us and the world suffer so miserably, that’s why! (I’m sorry! I’m a little giddy and can’t help myself: I’ve already used more exclamation points in this intro than I’ve ever used in an entire column -- several columns, even! But there were a bunch of ‘em lying around the house and I figured there was no better time than now to use them for this supercalifragilisticexpialidociously special occasion! OK, I’ll settle down now. !)
What a completely terrific, life-affirming, freeing sensation to finally be rid of Dubya, huh? It’s not easy putting the exact feeling into words, but here’s a try: it’s sorta like how it would feel to get rid of an evil, lying, corrupt, murderous, rights-squelching, hypocritical, insane, imperialistic, morally bankrupt, phony-assed president who wasn’t even rightfully elected in the first place.
Sorta like that.
I’ve a confession to make: I actually wrote this column ahead of time. The above musings might now seem a little strange in light of this admission, but, really, I’m only employing a little trick we journalists have been using for years: time travel. So, yes, Kerry actually has won, and right now we’re all really happy and jumping around and yelling a lot. You’ll see when you get here.
Though, if for some nauseating reason (like cheating on Bush’s part, thereby extending his own major league record in career “Consecutive Elections Stolen”), Kerry has lost, then you’ll know I really haven’t traveled in time at all, but rather really did write this beforehand. Except you wouldn’t know
that
because, in the unthinkable scenario in which Bush steals four more years, this won’t be published, in which case, you’re not reading it now.
Ow, my head hurts.
So, truthfully, I really am only imagining what it will be like after a Kerry victory, but it’s a safe bet the unfettered joy generated by jettisoning the juvenile joker named George is the most wonderful, freeing, and goddamned-near orgasmic feeling in the world, multiplied about a jillion times. (I curse in print only on the rarest of occasions -- like when America gets rid of tyrants. In fact, I have done so only once before, in 1776. Yes, I am old.)
Now, ‘tis no mere rumor that a number of us would have voted for a dead lobster before casting a ballot for Gee Dub (don’t laugh; the Deceased Crustacean Party ran a surprisingly strong campaign this year), but, the fact is, the country could do a lot worse than Kerry as the anti-Bush. Kerry is intelligent, experienced in foreign affairs, a proven environmentalist, and probably has at least heard of the Constitution, putting him one giant leap for mankind ahead of his now-predecessor in all categories. In other words, we now have a chance to fix America.
I knew Kerry was a lock, actually, as soon as the Red Sox won their first World Series in 86 years, finally exorcising their well-documented malediction. Eerie similarities abound: Boston had the Curse of the Babe, and under Bush, America has been tormented by the Curse of the Boob, AKA the Bumbino or the Sultan of Squat. And here’s a pertinent aspect ignored, of course, by the whoreporate media:
not one single American
voted for the incumbent president Woodrow Wilson in 1918, the last time the Sox were world champions! (Of course, so-called political purists like to point out there was no presidential election that year, but some people can find fault in anything.)
President Kerry. How sweet the sound.
Yea, I hear the naysayers a-naying and the pooh-poohers a-poohing: “President Kerry: big whoop. His Israeli/Palestinian ‘
policy
’ is the same old, same old; his budget
numbers
don’t add up; he’s an opportunist, well evidenced by how he co-opted Howard Dean’s anti-war message before the Iowa caucuses; he’s been part of the dysfunctional, corrupt American political process for years; his ‘solution’ for the Iraq fiasco sounds shaky, at best; he voted for the odious Patriot
Act
…”
Well, I agree with every one of those assertions. As in:
An absolutely critical component of American national security and any legitimate claim to U.S. concern for human rights
must
include an America-brokered resolution to the Israeli/Palestinian mess, something in which Kerry, publicly at least, has shown zero interest.
There’s no way Kerry can pay for everything he proposes; in fact, it’ll be a minor miracle if he can fend off America’s looming financial
crisis
.
Kerry did cynically couch himself as an anti-war candidate long enough to win the Democratic nomination even after voting (completely irresponsibly, in my book) with the majority of Congress to give Bush authorization to invade Iraq, thereby ceding the legislative branch’s sole constitutional ability to declare war.
Kerry
has
been in the thick of American government for two decades while the current pay-to-play system has become so entrenched that our nation’s name might as well be changed to the United Corporations of America. (Hey, maybe we could sell the country’s naming rights to help reduce the deficit!)
Four
years to get the U.S. out of Iraq?? That’s completely unacceptable, and also, what’s Kerry going to do about the fourteen permanent American military
bases
being built there right now that he mentioned in the first
debate
and, of course, have not been asked about since by the torporate media?
And instead of modifying the Patriot Act, as Kerry proposes, it should be thrown out altogether, and any proposed new anti-terrorism measures should be discussed openly on a case-by-case basis.
Here are a few of my own personal additions, just in the political arena, that I’d like to see tackled during the Kerry administration: reviving true political discourse; abolishing the Electoral College and instituting instant run-off
voting
far and wide to encourage genuine third party participation; nationally reforming out-of-control gerrymandering that has snuffed real choice at both the congressional and statehouse levels; creating workable finance campaign reform to clean up the legalized bribery that passes for today’s legislative process; opening up government, the first act of which should be Kerry’s ordering of the release of the CIA’s currently suppressed 9/11
report
that purportedly pointedly points pinkies at the departing president’s pointy-headed point men.
So, indeed, all these things and, obviously, many more, need to be seriously and promptly addressed, but here’s the thing: under Kerry, they can at least be discussed, for he has clearly demonstrated a willingness -- a desire, even -- to entertain various informed opinions when contemplating decisions, a trait absolutely essential for a real president to have.
Don’t know if you noticed, but the same can’t quite be said of Bush. For one thing, he has never really been the president, as that duty has always fallen to the Fell One, Dick Cheney. For another, no one can tell anything to a man who receives messages straight from
God
. The fact that Dubya was born sans brain, apparently, has only made his time in the pulpit that much worse.
Now for our soapbox moment: Kerry’s election was a small but crucial move in the right direction for this country. Bush is out, but he was only a puppet, anyway (albeit one that made Howdy Doody look like a friggin’ genius). The extremists truly running the GOP these days -- the two-headed beast comprised of religious right
rapscallions
and neoconservative
nutcases
-- are far from gone, and make no mistake: they are an incredibly determined lot and will be back, and we must continue working to expose them to ever-greater numbers of our countrymen for the dangerous whackos they are.
Thus, to transform America into a land of true equality, justice, and freedom, we’ve only just begun (cue the Carpenters), and to protect against another aberration like Bushco ever darkening the halls of American power again, the tremendous energy that went into ousting the not-so-great pretender must now be focused on cleaning up and retooling our political system -- immediately.
Well, “immediately,” that is, as in
after
a few days of very hard partying, the likes of which hasn’t been seen around these here parts in a mighty long time. It’s entirely appropriate to celebrate raucously before starting on our to-do list, because, after all, together, we just turned out on his West Texas hide possibly the biggest threat to America’s survival the citizens of this great nation have ever seen.
WE DID IT!
(1:833.33 scale)
Copyright ® 2004 Mark Drolette. All rights reserved.
(A not-so-funny thing happened on the way to this piece [not] being published: fascism.)
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